Midnight thoughts

I'm doing it again. The house is quiet, the kids tucked in, and I really ought to be sleeping. But my man is out of town, and my head is churning thoughts like my life depended on it! So here I am - awake. Writing in the early hours of the coming night. Trying to straighten out my hyperactive mind.

I had a conversation the other day that brought a drop of clarity and a glimmer of hope to me. I spoke with a women whom I know to be an ordained priest, but frustrated with what she defines as the "closed-box thinking" of the state church, she now works different projects and found time to see me. I am really glad she did.
It's no secret I have been down the last few weeks, feeling somewhat suffocated by my work situation and feeling a lack of recognition for what I honestly feel is good work on my part. So I sought out this particular woman because I had a hunch that she would know what to ask me about.
And she did.

...what I really long for, is for my life to be more 

than a desire to follow in the footsteps of Christ. 

And during our conversation, it once again dawned on me, that what I really long for, is for my life to be more than a desire to follow in the footsteps of Christ. That I still think of making a difference in the world as a matter of finding the right calling. It suddenly became so clear to me, that if Jesus was to physically set foot in my workplace, he wouldn't struggle with the same emotions as I do. He wouldn't really care about rules and regulations and following procedures. He would look at the children and their parents and see their needs - and he would start meeting those needs! He would act instead of placing himself in a position of holy waiting - like I so often do, as I think many of us do! We believe we must act, but only when God says go... but in reality, God sad go about 2000 years ago, as Jesus drew his last breath on the cross.

I want my life to be like this:  reaching out as naturally as breathing. Bringing healing like I was fetching a cup of water. Offering prayer like I was administering ointments or placing bandaids over playground battle wounds. And I long to be in a place where I don't have to worry about rules and regulations, so I am still scanning the job adds, hoping to come across a job where making a difference concurrently will enable me to bring home a paycheck.
Why?
Beacuse I am still a mother with responibilities, bills and wishlists. Because in my neck of the woods, I cannot afford to leave the breadwinning to my husband and join the too-small corps of volunteers. So, that's my challenge for the next while.

Now it's time to turn off my computer, turn off the lights and the thoughts in my head. I need to sleep. Tomorrow brings with it what ever it will, and I need to be ready.